----- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes ----- Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A1: None of your damn business! A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A2: None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside). Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many WASPs (Californians) does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in hot tubs. Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!! Variation: Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's "Women" and it's not funny! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. Notes: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Notes: This has also been said of Virginians. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983 Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: ---- You should have hit "n"! Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb Notes: Ugh! Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many junkies does it take? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A. 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Notes: What do you mean, you haven't read 2010 yet? Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high- wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace." (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change. 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People - Feasability study and timetable of events. 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility). 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC). 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 People - Change bulb. 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. 2 People - Perform bulb load test. 3 People - Perform bulb regression test. 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission. 1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)! 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements). compatibility architecture/study. 3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 compatibility architecture/study. 2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies). 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group. 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center). 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 10 People - Answer customer BPRs. 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it! Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, o